Decoding Women

"Why can't you just say what you mean?" "What are you talking about?" "So are you mad, or not?" "Do all women just speak in some sort of woman-code?"

I'm pretty sure that we are just not meant to understand the opposite sex. It's part of a joke that the high power plays on us just to watch us be confused. I've read some of the best "decoding the opposite sex" blog posts and magazine articles lately that I figured why not try it myself!

Top 10 Ways to Better Understand Women:

1. "I'm fine/Nothing is wrong."
Chances are, that is the biggest lie ever. It usually means, "Hey, you are screwing up, and you don't get it, so I'm just going to keep my mouth shut about how I feel because you won't understand anyway." The best way to solve this problem is to calmly (CALMLY!) say something like, "Babe, I know you're probably not okay, and you can tell me if you want and I will do my best to understand." A little effort goes a long way.

2. "Fine." 
Same as above. What you are about to do/just did is most likely not fine. She is most likely thinking, "Wow. Are you really dumb enough to think that is okay?" If you are asking for something, take a few moments to re-think your question. Most of the time, I use this phrase when Brian asks me something really stupid (love you, babe). For instance, "I know you wanted to have a quiet night tonight with just us because you've had an awful week of work, but I invited someone over. Is that okay?" Sometimes guys think that girls don't make sense, but in our minds, guys are the confusing ones! Just try and see things from a girl's point of view. A lot of times, it's a misunderstanding because the girl thinks she is being 110% clear, but to the guy, she mind as well be speaking a foreign language for all the sense it makes. Try simplifying what you're trying to say and explaining the whys of your reasoning. All it takes is one over-reaction for things to go haywire in situations like this, which just equals a FIGHT. Fights are BAD. If you are already having an argument and "fine" is used, just end it. Say sorry, be the bigger person, and say sorry and walk away. Nothing good comes from "fine."

3. "Whatever/It's no big deal."
The majority of these are very similar. "Whatever." doesn't really mean "whatever." It is not whatever. It is probably what we told you in the first place. Chances are, we thought we made our opinion very clear, and guys just don't seem to get it. Did you bring home a supreme pizza for dinner and your girlfriend is a vegetarian? Handed her a beer when she's allergic to wheat? She wants you to remember the small things, and even though it may not truly be a 'big deal' that doesn't mean that you should forget about it! However, there is an upside. Sometimes, "whatever" really just means "whatever." Like last night, Brian wanted to know what I wanted for dinner. I said whatever. I really meant whatever. I wanted to cook something at home, which is what I said, but aside from that, I said we could pick whatever we felt like when we got home...and I meant it.

BODY LANGUAGE (Here's a small tip. Our facial expression and body language says a lot. Arms crossed and lips in a tight line when we're saying something? Not good. That usually means that we mean the opposite of what we're saying. Reference above.)

4. Listen to the details
I know that to guys, details aren't really important. It's not about the fact that during a meeting, a coworker giving a presentation said "um" 67 times, it's about the fact that something annoyed us and we want to share that with you because it was a part of our day. Instead of giving a generic response such as, "Oh." or "I'm sorry." actually listen and respond. Say something like, "That must have been super annoying." or "Some people just need a good public speaking class now-a-days, don't they?" Even if you think the conversation is pointless, taking the time to actually listen and respond is a big thing to women. We want to feel like you care, not that you can't wait until we stop talking so you can play another round of Halo.

5. Don't always be a problem solver
This goes back to listening to the details. When women share a story about something that they are having trouble with, it's not always that we want you to come up with a solution. A lot of the time, we just want a kind ear to listen to what we have to say. Sometimes, talking it through with someone out loud is better clarification for us. For example, if I come home complaining about being asked to do a meaningless task at work, instead of telling me that I should talk to my boss if I don't like what I'm doing, ask follow up questions. "Does that happen often?" or "What, if anything, do you think you're going to do about it?" are good responses in that situation.

6. Show & Tell
Communication is important in every relationship, but it takes more than one form of communication to have a quality relationship. You can't just tell someone how you feel, you must show them through actions as well. If you tell a girl you're sorry, do something to show that there is meaning behind your words. Go pick her some flowers, or take the initiative to pick up/make dinner one night.

7. It's the little things
Now, this one may just be me, but I'm not all about the expensive things. It's just never been me. I don't need a guy who buys me diamond earrings, buys me elaborate flower arrangements every other week, or takes me out to a super-fancy restaurant every month. That's just excessive in my opinion. However, this goes back to showing a girl how you feel about her. Instead of buying her an expensive flower arrangement, pick her a bouquet from a local park (if there are rules against this, either don't do it, or don't get caught...just saying). Knowing that she has had a rough day at work and picking up her favorite take-out dish so she doesn't have to cook that night is one of the best things ever (at least for me)!

8. "We need to talk"
Guys run and hide from this phrase, but it's not always a bad thing! Not going to lie, sometimes I'm about to tell you that our dog ate your PS3 controller...but not always! Usually this just means, "Hey. I want to tell you something important and I want you to hear me out." Show that you actually care about the relationship by not avoiding conversations like this. Girls out there - try using a different phrase! For real though, "we need to talk" and "hey can I talk to you for a minute" basically mean the same thing, but guys tend to freak out way less about the second one.

9. "A few minutes"
This one is a bit tricky. There are two different ways that this can go, and each are important. Situation one. If a girl is getting ready and you ask, "How much more time do you need?" and she says "A few minutes." That usually means like 20...at least. In this situation, "a few minutes" is my way of saying, "The more you ask me, the longer it will take, so just be quiet." Situation two. When you tell a girl you are going to keep playing Halo until dinner, and she says, "Just a few minutes." Trust me. That actually means, "Your butt better be done in under 5 minutes."

10. "Never mind, I'll do it."
She is lying. She'll do it all right, but you're gonna mind. Trust me. When your girl asks you to do the dishes and after 10 minutes you still haven't gotten off the couch? That could very well illicit a, "Never mind, I'll do it." This is a trap. And whatever you do, don't ask, "What's wrong?" Because all that will do is get you a "Nothing is wrong" or a "Whatever" and I think we already know what THAT means.