Lying Makes the Waist Grow Smaller

Oh, don't I wish this was true. I've had body issues since I was a kid. After 8 years of ballet, tap, and jazz, I was very judgmental of my body in terms of weight, size, strength, flexibility, etc. My weight went up and down all throughout high school, and I finally was (mostly) content with myself during my senior year. Cue freshman year of college. I broke my foot in October and gained about 10 lbs more than the Freshman 15. After a crazy breakup sophomore year, I finally got back to within 5 lbs of my senior year of high school weight.

Cue graduation from college and the start of a desk job. I'm back up 15 lbs again, and absolutely miserable. Here are my favorite things to tell myself whenever I step on the scale:

• "You can't penalize me for my brain, and that has to weigh at least 10 lbs. I'm smart." 
• "SCREW YOU SCALE, YOU LYING BASTARD!"
• "I guess I forgot to pee this morning."
• "STOP LYING SCALE!"
• "Blasted water weight."
• "DAMN YOU MEAN AND HATEFUL SCALE!"
• "Muscle weighs more than fat...muscle weighs more than fat."
• "THE SCALE HATES ME!"

And my favorite...

• "I guess my boobs got bigger."

I've already accepted that anything below a size 6 just isn't in my future, and I'm totally okay with that. The hardest part is dealing with my mom and grandma. Mom used to be a solid size 10, and very petite.  When she found out she had Celiac's disease, she stopped eating all bread products (which I am too addicted to them to do...) and went from a size 10 to a size 0. Grandma, mom's mom, has always been petite. She's probably a size 4 right now. Their sizes don't bother me, but it's how they act to be regarding weight that has always gotten to me. 

For example. Grandma was talking about a cousin of ours while we were getting ready for dinner on Thanksgiving. She made a comment that she, the cousin, and lost weight recently, and that she "used to be heavier like you, Amanda." Thanks for the confidence boost there, Grandma. So Thanksgiving night I was rushing around trying to find my outfit that I packed for dinner. I found everything except my brown tights, which were basically essential because the dress I was wearing was a bit short, and it was very cold so I wanted an extra layer. For some reason, this made me absolutely lose it. Probably because I was so frustrated that I packed not only my clothes but Brian's as well, and I was just upset and frustrated (and yes, PMSing) about the fact that I had forgotten one of the most essential parts of my outfit. So grandma comes in and offers me a pair of her tights. They were a petite size small. This was probably my breaking point. I started yelling at her that not only was I definitely NOT a petite small, no matter how often she made comments about my weight, there was probably no chance that I would EVER be a size petite small. The whole situation just escalated until I was locked in the bedroom crying. It was a mess. I finally found my tights and Grandma apologized saying that she never intended to hurt my feelings. That's the problem, though. It's not like they purposefully say hurtful things, but what they do say is hurtful and they never realize it until it's too late. 

 

Today marks exactly one month until I fly to Florida for my friend Carson's wedding. I have 30 days to lose about 10 lbs. I personally have all the confidence in the world that I can do it. Luckily we have a gym at the office, so I'm going to start doing the elliptical for at least 1.5 miles every day during lunch as well as working out after work with Rebecca. Lunch is either trail mix or a salad, and I can only have coffee after I drink at least two cups of water. 

However, in my defense, my boobs HAVE gotten bigger, and I HAVE been working out my arms heavily at the gym (strapless dress for the wedding...gotta beast those dumbbells) and I'm hoping that 5 lbs is muscle...at least that's what I'm going to tell myself. 

I guess the moral of the story is that sometimes, people portray a higher self confidence than they actually feel. Take time to consider how your words could hurt someone before speaking. Trust me. People like me hate on themselves enough without help from others. As a member of Kappa Delta Sorority, our Confidence Coalition program helps young girls all over the country realize their beauty and raise their self esteem. I know first hand how important it is to instill these ideals in our children, both male and female, at a young age. Growing up in the world today isn't easy. Magazines tell us how to look and dress, how to attract a boyfriend or girlfriend, and what to do for every part of your body that has a bit more to love. 

So instead of continuing my cleanse challenge, I'm starting a new one; half working out and clean eating and half self-confidence boosting. Much of what is wrong with the world today doesn't start with people having kick-ass hips and a banging booty. It comes because we are constantly told that these things make us "fat" or "heavy." So as I take a step in the right direction, I'm not only going to focus on my body, but my mind as well. After all, I think we could all use a mental health day once and a while.